howie kaplan dot com

It's time I went public with my longstanding feud with CNN's Rick Sanchez. Of course, to me, he'll always be WSVN's Rick Sanchez, South Florida's own homegrown blow-hard. Rick was called an anchor, but he was really more of a kite, flitting around from one shocking "news"story to the next, managing to always look good next to a gruesome graphic with a title like DEATH! ON! THE TRACKS!

If you think your local newscaster got excited during the Lewinsky scandal, Sanchez was so titillated his nipples practically burst through his shirt, sportcoat, and weekend co-anchor.

He's now the host of CNN Newsroom, bringing live-local-late breaking coverage of such stories as "People don't like President Bush."



This is a HUGE, Pulitzer-worthy story (ca. 2002.) But the best part is how Sanchez backs up his assertion that President Bush is a bully. Said Sanchez:

"I googled Bush and Bully together... two million, five hundred thousand hits!"

How do you get more scientific accuracy than that? He googled! Granted, I expected something a little more high-tech from the network that beamed in Will.I.Am, but you can't argue with easily-argued results.

Just to test Rick's method, I decided to google a few thing on my own.

"Rick Sanchez Idiot" -- 81,100 hits
"Rick Sanchez blowhard" -- 6,170 hits
"Rick Sanchez got a DUI and killed a guy" -- 9,660 hits (I was expecting more. Especially because it... you know... happened.)
"Rick Sanchez is as useless as giant boobs on a fat chick" (Face it. There's no bigger waste than the awesome rack fat girls get. Because they're simultaneuosly awesome and gross.) -- 1 hit. And you're looking at it.

at 11/20/2008 02:22:00 PM | 0 comments    
Labels: cnn, President Bush, Rick Sanchez, useless as big boobs on a fat chick, Wsvn

• 22:11 WOOKIE COOKIES? shirt.woot.com is hilarious. #
• 22:12 yes, I included the dot-com on the off chance they search twitter for mentions and wanted to send out a gift certificate. #
• 11:18 @DVDQuotes Encino Man! #
• 11:18 @DVDQuotes (The cheese is old and moldy) #
• 18:02 Anyone else blown away by the job @mattfraction did on Uncanny 504? Best issue (of non Astonishing/[Morrison] New) ever. #
• 18:03 And the Dodsons ain't bad either. A little boobalicious, but works for the story. #
• 18:22 @oxfordstandard I'm pro boob (prooob?) But at a certain point... tinyurl.com/68chn9 #

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at 11/19/2008 08:42:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 10:23 OK Tuesday, bring the good news. #
• 10:50 I think I've caught the blogging bug again. #
• 12:46 @Agent_M Every TV show's opening sequence should have the heroes rushing towards / colliding with the villains. #
• 12:47 @Agent_M And i mean EVERY show. Law and Order. Dirty Sexy Money. The News. #
• 13:17 Important WEB POLL! www.howiekaplan.com #

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at 11/18/2008 08:38:00 PM | 0 comments    

Get coked to the tits and sell my Japanese scotch!

at 11/18/2008 11:12:00 AM | 0 comments    
Labels: Rat Pack, scotch

It's refreshing to see that hundred some-odd military brass saying it's time to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Because from the looks of things, the army really couldn't get any gayer.



Nah, I kid. I'm sure if these guys saw the music I dance around to when no one's looking, they'd run my underpants up the flagpole (with me still in it.) And I'm sure that in times of stress it's good to let off steam no matter how you do it, and there are worse ways than the Cha Cha Slide.

But come on. There's definitely a place for gays in the military. And if you need proof, check out how good they are at sniping (www.defamer.com)

at 11/18/2008 10:38:00 AM | 0 comments    
Labels: Army, Cha Cha Slide, gay, Music, Soldier

• 22:23 Star Trek 3: Not as bad as I remember. #
• 20:25 @bclaymoore But the ad totally works! I went to every site they plugged just to see which was the real one. #

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at 11/17/2008 10:05:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 12:48 @oxfordstandard let me look through my rejection emails. #
• 12:56 @oxfordstandard CORRECTION: Glowing rejection emails. #
• 14:40 @mattfraction Ironically, a good idea for an EC comic. SHOCKING SUSPENSTORIES FROM BEYOND THE CO-OP. #
• 14:52 How long has Muxtape been dead for? #
• 15:20 @oxfordstandard You mean the Itunes Genius? I'm not really a fan. What do ou like about it? #
• 15:24 @oxfordstandard Yeah... I kinda like the endless string of randomness Muxtape delivered. #
• 15:57 twitpic.com/lsyz - PictureMail #

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at 11/14/2008 08:26:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 13:33 My house will now always smell like this tuna melt... and it's totally worth it. #
• 13:33 Now if you need me, I'll be outside barking at the fence. #
• 13:33 OH NO WAIT THAT'S YOU (RUBY!) #
• 13:36 @Agent_M Could be worse. The baby powder smell could be from dousing yourself in actual baby powder. #
• 13:37 @Agent_M Luckily, my fiance is into the whole "Old Man Who Breaks A Sweat Eating Matzo Ball Soup" scent. #
• 17:01 My cat won't dance with me. #
• 20:06 Red Dawn on Encore FTW! #
• 20:07 WOLVERINES!!! #

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at 11/13/2008 08:21:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 17:35 What I've been reduced to: monitoring my IMDB star meter like it's an EKG. It doesn't look good, doctor. #

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at 11/12/2008 08:34:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 16:51 waiting waiting waiting waiting #

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at 11/10/2008 08:43:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 10:46 Anyone out there like Chabon or internet discounters? tinyurl.com/6jvbt3 #
• 19:17 Congratulations, lobster bisque! You've just won the award for "Worst Food to Eat Just Before a Nap." Your bad-breath trophy is in the mail. #

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at 11/07/2008 08:38:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 01:21 twitpic.com/k9w8 - PictureMail #

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at 11/06/2008 08:30:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 22:33 And the new Obamagirl video drops in 3...2...1... #
• 01:55 WHAT!?!?!? #
• 01:56 OK, Adam/Jim. Now I know what its like when your team wins. #

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at 11/05/2008 08:36:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 11:22 @Richards08 OK, but what about that mellow Negative Zone weed? #
• 11:24 liking the cnn.com election day layout #
• 11:25 Also: My dad's doing his Atticus Finch thing fighting voter fraud in SoFla. #
• 12:04 @oxfordstandard Kaplan for Progress. Kaplan... For America. #
• 12:07 @oxfordstandard "..." = (dramatic beat) #
• 12:10 Voter intimidation at Sportsmen's Lodge!!! Gray Panthers standing outside, brandishing walkers and oxygen tanks. #
• 13:25 Fascinating doohickey on NYtimes.com tinyurl.com/5untyb interesting difs. between McCain and Obama supporters. #
• 13:27 Diddy votes for Obama in a state that was going Dem anyway, singlehandedly saving the universe. #
• 13:28 "I felt like my vote was the vote that put him into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote." #
• 13:29 The P. must have stood for "pompous" #
• 13:59 1 hr from first polls closing #
• 14:07 Wolf Blitzer has an enormous head but a tiny face. He looks like a Mii. #
• 14:56 @oxfordstandard It's all I can do. I can't get any work done. I have such a boner for poll closings. And I already ate an election panini. #
• 14:58 @CNN Learn to use the magic map or stop using it. Watching John King struggle with it is just too annoying for words. #
• 15:01 Blitzer and Cafferty: "Fuck you, Paul from Columbus!" #
• 15:17 Is @CNN now using holograms? #
• 15:18 HOLOGRAM CRASH! Seriously, enough with the technological bells and whistles. Sorely missing Tim Russert and his whiteboard. #
• 15:29 @oxfordstandard BTW: Wishing I didn't drink four cups of coffee w/lunch. #
• 16:05 Keep it up, Virginia... #
• 16:16 @CNN Jessica Yellin: "Help me, Wolf Blitzer, you're my only hope." #
• 16:17 Silly, silly, silly. #
• 17:40 WAY TO GO PENNSYLVANIA!!! #
• 17:54 Let's hear it for the godless vote! #
• 18:15 My next tweet is dedicated to @oxfordstandard #
• 18:16 Windy out there... But are they "winds of change (whistle) (whistle)"? #
• 18:18 song lyrics ftw #
• 20:19 OK, Adam/Jim. I finally know what it's like when your team wins. #

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at 11/04/2008 08:37:00 PM | 0 comments    

• 14:58 @Marvel Mr. Fantastic. He's the kind of guy I'd drink an unstable molecular beer with. #

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at 11/03/2008 08:36:00 PM | 0 comments