Wow. Didn't expect letting twitter simulpost (a phrase I just coined right now) would totally derail my blogging. Big mistake. I've been microblogging/ spraying verbal diarrhea (if only that's a phrase I just made up. Whoever thought that up is the best writer this world or any other has ever known) all over there since letting the cobwebs gather on this thing. I've deleted all the offenders and from now on will just have my last few twivellings in a boxy thing over to the right there.
Also, I'm gonna dust this bastard off and get back to posting.
Oh yeah... you don't know anyone who's hiring, do you?
I came across this story on yahoonews, about the plan to appoint a Car Czar to oversee the auto industry bailout.
Congress, White House push to finish auto aid plan - Yahoo! News
I guess the bright side of this recession is that all the lost manufacturing jobs are being made up for in Czar jobs. Seriously-- How do you get appointed Czar (besides being born into a Slavic royal family)? Can I go back to school and major in Czaring? Because we've got more Czars now than a carpeted men's room has funny smells.
The real question I have though, is an appropriate one when you consider the excitement behind the new Watchmen movie. Namely, who watches the watchmen? Or who czars the czars? If these guys have such absolute power in overseeing billion-dollar bailouts, who oversees them?
The obvious answer, of course, is a Czar Czar. Which sounds uncomfortably close to the name of a certain Nabooian fish-tard.
It's time I went public with my longstanding feud with CNN's Rick Sanchez. Of course, to me, he'll always be WSVN's Rick Sanchez, South Florida's own homegrown blow-hard. Rick was called an anchor, but he was really more of a kite, flitting around from one shocking "news"story to the next, managing to always look good next to a gruesome graphic with a title like DEATH! ON! THE TRACKS!
If you think your local newscaster got excited during the Lewinsky scandal, Sanchez was so titillated his nipples practically burst through his shirt, sportcoat, and weekend co-anchor.
He's now the host of CNN Newsroom, bringing live-local-late breaking coverage of such stories as "People don't like President Bush."
This is a HUGE, Pulitzer-worthy story (ca. 2002.) But the best part is how Sanchez backs up his assertion that President Bush is a bully. Said Sanchez:
"I googled Bush and Bully together... two million, five hundred thousand hits!"How do you get more scientific accuracy than that? He googled! Granted, I expected something a little more high-tech from the network that beamed in Will.I.Am, but you can't argue with easily-argued results.
Just to test Rick's method, I decided to google a few thing on my own.
"Rick Sanchez Idiot" -- 81,100 hits
"Rick Sanchez blowhard" -- 6,170 hits
"Rick Sanchez got a DUI and killed a guy" -- 9,660 hits (I was expecting more. Especially because it... you know... happened.)
"Rick Sanchez is as useless as giant boobs on a fat chick" (Face it. There's no bigger waste than the awesome rack fat girls get. Because they're simultaneuosly awesome and gross.) -- 1 hit. And you're looking at it.
Get coked to the tits and sell my Japanese scotch!
It's refreshing to see that hundred some-odd military brass saying it's time to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Because from the looks of things, the army really couldn't get any gayer.
Nah, I kid. I'm sure if these guys saw the music I dance around to when no one's looking, they'd run my underpants up the flagpole (with me still in it.) And I'm sure that in times of stress it's good to let off steam no matter how you do it, and there are worse ways than the Cha Cha Slide.
But come on. There's definitely a place for gays in the military. And if you need proof, check out how good they are at sniping (www.defamer.com)
Cooking up new posts over at www.thehowiesandwich.com
"The Howie" is live! Go to my new site to learn all about it!
There's big news coming regarding the Howie Sandwich!
I'd say "stay tuned," but that cliche has no meaning in internet terms.
Keep checking back!
I am looking for an enterprising restaurant owner who wants to make a name for himself with what may be the greatest sandwich idea ever.
There's just one catch. I don't want a cut of the enormous profits I'm sure you'll make off this idea. I just want to fulfill my lifelong dream of having a sandwich named after me.
Yes. The Howie Special is ready for testing. Will you be the daring young risktaker to bring it to the world?
INTERESTED PARTIES ONLY NEED APPLY.
*** UPDATE! 8:38 PM***
I've just ordered The Howie from Art's Deli! The woman taking my order wasn't clear on the difference between caramelized and grilled onions, but I'm optimistic! Will let you know how it turns out.
In light of America's current discussion this election year, "What's worse about this country, our racism or our sexism?" I thought I'd weigh in with the opinions discussed in what is, for my money, our nation's premiere race and gender relations publication-- The Studio City/Toluca Lake Smart Mailer.
Specifically, the ad for Ultrazone(R) Laser Tag. Of course, at first glance, it might seem that all this coupon can tell us is that people of all races are welcomed at Ultrazone(R). But, once you look closer, the truth is far more disturbing.
Let's take the white woman in the top-left corner. Who would want her on their team? She's too partied-out from appearing on "Girls Gone Wild: Chainsmoking Bicyclists on Spring Break." In an actual laser-battle, no one would want her on their squad. Look at the way she holds her weapon! I don't care if her father commanded the third fleet at The Battle of Charybdis' Maw, she's more likely to shoot her own Medi-Droid than an enemy Starmando.
And don't get me started on Cocky Minority Sidekick beneath her. What, have I never seen a movie? The Cocky Minority Sidekick is always the first to be eaten by the Alien Man-Eating-Who-cares-it's-a-horror-movie-just-fast-forward-to-the-co-ed-shower-scene Monster. Oh, and if you happen to be a Minority Sidekick who is in a high-octane thrill ride-type of situation... DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR MOM. And if possible, get the scientist-girl to fall in love with you.
Moving on to the half-Thai girl in the bottom left... I got no problem with her. She looks confident and with it. I'd actually want her to answer the red phone at 3AM.
The Latina in the Top Right? She looks a little nervous. I'd argue about taking her on a mission with me. Because being the leader of K'roy Hill, I'd have protective feelings for her and everyone else living in the tunnels with me. I'd argue with her, "No, you're not ready! Think of the horrors you'd never be able to un-see!" But I'd give in, after promising her big sister that I'd look after her. And who knows, maybe her affinity with animals will come in handy when traveling the Wasteland's Undertrains.
The white guy in the middle is totally useless. The only one he's thinking about shooting with his Beamrifle is already on the flier with him.
The woman in the bottom-right is the only one I'd really feel comfortable with as my squad-mate. She just has the look of someone who, though she's employed in a domestic fashion on the outside world, is perfectly capable of defending a hospital against a zombie attack. Not to say she won't have moments where she questions herself. But that old man was already infected-- she did what she had to do to protect the other Survivors of the Jim and Mary-Anne Kiefer Orthopedic Rehabilitative Center. And if we have to split into two teams, with mine driving the Slap-Dash Armored Anti-Zombie vehicle (that used to be an ambulance) and hers laying covering laser-fire from the roof of the Hopital, I'd trust her to have my back. This sister knows her way around a Blast-0 Gun.
So what does this flier tell us about the state of race and gender in America? Are we ready for The First Black Man to be President of the United States? Or do we want to say, "Yes, Mrs. President?"
Perhaps we don't want our next president to be either of these things. Perhaps we want it to be BOTH of these things.