I've been swamped lately writing jokes for Ron Jeremy and the pimp from Cathouse, so it might be a few days before my next post.

So call off the search.

A USA Today article recently found that injuries incurred during the Iraq War can cause more brain damage than previously thought.

However, it isn't as bad for the brain as a two-hour season premiere of Dancing With The Stars. It's like listening to bad wedding bands perform bad songs. For two hours.

Iran's President Ahmadinejad addressed Columbia University on Monday, proving that even a strong man... that is, a strongman dictator... can look like he's simultaneously about to cry and sneeze.

From CNN:

Asked about widely documented government abuse of women and homosexuals in his country, Ahmadinejad said, "We don't have homosexuals" in Iran. "I don't know who told you we had it," he said.

As much as it pains me to say it, I agree with Ahmadinejad. There aren't any homosexuals in Iran, because if there were, they'd never let their leader leave the house dressed like a time-share salesman.

And by the way? There are gay Persians. Remember 300?
Honestly, I think I saw this guy in the last West Hollywood Pride parade.

It's the worst day of the year. International Talk Like a Fuck-Wit Day.

I would rather have two Tax-Days in one year than one Talk Like A Pirate Day.

EDIT: For those who don't know. I can't stand pirates or pirate humor. On the list of things that were ruined for my by the Emerson College experience, Pirates is right up there with Ninjas and Multiculturalism.

So I renovated a little bit... I'm now using a port of the Cutline Wordpress template for Blogger.
Cause I'm loyal.

So don't panic, you're in the right place. I may do some more tinkering before I'm done.

From Yahoo:

NASA Begins Hunt for New Astronauts

Astronaut hopefuls with the right stuff have a fresh chance to reach for the International Space Station and, ultimately, the moon, thanks to a new NASA hunt for qualified spaceflyers.

The U.S. space agency announced Tuesday that it is accepting applications for its 2009 Astronaut Candidate Class. Would-be spaceflyers have until July 1, 2008 to apply, the agency said.

If NASA is looking to replace recently fired adulternaut Lisa Nowak, then may I humbly suggest that they start their search at Q's happy hour?

Thanks, D!

Reuters reports that OJ Simpson has been jailed as a flight risk.

And it's a good thing, because if there's one thing a 6'1 Heisman Trophy winner who was found guilty of murder in the civil trial of the century is good at, it's blending in.

Now that 50 Cent has supposedly retired from hip-hop, it seems he's moved on to a new career. Political pundit.

From CNN:

Rapper 50 Cent says he likes Clinton

50 Cent told Time Magazine he likes Sen. Hillary Clinton.

WASHINGTON (CNN) — Much of the hip-hop community seems to be embracing Sen. Barack Obama in the race for the White House, but rapper 50 Cent may prefer the Illinois Democrat's chief rival.

The multi-platinum star born Curtis Jackson told Time Magazine he isn't backing any particular candidate for president, but also noted that he "like[s]” Hillary Clinton, D-New York.

"I think she was already our president once," he joked, referencing the New York Democrat's eight years as first lady.

Dear Mr. Cent,

I thought we had a deal. I don't gangsta rap, and you don't weigh in on politics and current events with a cynical and smart point of view. Lucky for you, bloggers only do drive-bys armed with rhetoric and wit. Your world is "In Da Club." Mine is in da Blog. I see no reason for these worlds to mix.

Mr. Cent, you are a convicted felon, so you can't vote for President. But you still want to be involved-- I can respect that. But please, stick to dropping mad beats, and leave the mad political commentary to people that have figure out Google's free blog service.

Previously: Where's Toby Keith when you need him, Finally, a reason to look forward to 9/11

From CNN:

Man dies after 3-day gaming binge

BEIJING, China (AP) -- A man in southern China appears to have died of exhaustion after a three-day Internet gaming binge, state media said Monday.

The 30-year-old man fainted at a cyber cafe in the city of Guangzhou Saturday afternoon after he had been playing games online for three days, the Beijing News reported.

Paramedics tried to revive him but failed and he was declared dead at the cafe, it said. The paper said that he may have died from exhaustion brought on by too many hours on the Internet.

CNN doesn't name the man, but I don't think I'm the first one to guess at his identity.

He is survived by his girlfriend Princess Lana. Services will be held at Simon Belmont's estate and will be officiated by Rabbi Stephen Megaman.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Captain N Memorial Fund, C/O Gameboy, 1986 L-shaped block way, Tetris, FL, 33326.

Found on Craigslist:

Quality Control Specialist - Adult Films

---

Date: 2007-09-11, 3:56PM PDT


Well established Adult Entertainment/Video Company is looking to fill an immediate position for a Quality Control Specialist.

If you feel uncomfortable in any aspect of the Adult Industry, please do not apply.

We are looking for dependable, hard working, consciencious individual with a good eye and somebody that pays close attention to detail. This will be a full time/hourly position to start immediately.

Experience is helpful but not necessary, as we will train the right individual.

So this company is searching for somebody willing to watch porno for forty hours a week and make sure it's of high standards? I could see why they'd need a good attention to detail... Nothing ruins a good Eiffel Towering like poor continuity.

I'd like to see some of the porno that doesn't make the cut. How bad does the acting need to be for it to be too bad?

Furthermore... why are they even wasting time advertising this job? How hard is it to find someone willing to watch porn? Seriously, you put up one flier outside the Burbank Panda Express and you will be FLOODED with prospects.

So it seems Kanye has outsold 50 Cent, but it still remains to be seen if 50 will retire as he's promised.

Of course, the difference between 50's retirement and retirement in the movies is that in the movies, when someone is shot a week before retirement, it's unexpected. To Fifty, it's just another Tuesday.

Previously: Finally, a Reason to Look Forward to 9/11

(or: Why I'll never work in print journalism)

Afghan puppy industry eludes U.S. Control

DATELINE -- NANGARHAR-- The U.S's mounting troubles in containing Afghan militias have been traced directly to... puppies. Small, cuddly, adorable puppies. High in the Afghan mountains are thousands of puppy mills churning out litter after litter of these deadly "shnuggly buzzums." Soft but razor-sharp, adorable yet sinister, these dangerously cute/ cutely dangerous mongrels...

what?

Poppy industry?

...Like on the bagels?

Presidential candidates often lament the scrutiny they undergo while campaigning... The way every word out of their mouths is examined, parsed, and analyzed.

This is an untenable, unlivable situation that must be rectified if we're ever to elevate the level of public discourse in this country.

Honestly, why should it matter if at Wednesday's New Hampshire Republican Presidential Debate, the debaters said the word...

The Issues
Iraq : 40 times
Immigration : 16 times
Terror (or Terrorist) : 16 times
9/11 : 10 times
Gay Marriage : 4 times
Afghanistan: 4 times
Health Care : 1 time (and only when discussing the benefits of keeping Guantanamo Bay open. Yes, Duncan Hunter espoused the cafeteria menu and Cuba's free healthcare as reasons not to release suspected terrorists. Something tells me he missed the point of "Sicko.")
Internet : 0 times
Technology: 0 times (cause why would we want a President who cares about those things?)

The People
Democrat : 18 times
Republican : 16 times (18 to 16? These guys can't get a majority in their own debate.)
Senator Fred Thompson : 6 times
President George W. Bush : 4 times
President Ronald Reagan : 3 times

Stuff They Have To Say To Sound Presidential
Thank You : 26 times
Honor : 9 times
Americans: 9 times
Football/ Soccer/ Baseball : 0
"I wouldn't kick Condi out of bed for eating crackers" : 0 times

And in case you were wondering, the entire debate clocked in at a 7th grade reading level. Which makes sense, since this debate reads like "Goosebumps" for grownups... just replace haunted snowmen with terrorists, ghostly schoolkids with Democrats, and green plant monsters in the basement with blind belief in victory in Iraq despite all the signs to the contrary.