howie kaplan dot com

Apparently, I missed this one. It was important, too, because it would have helped me avoid this morning's awkwardness. I typed it up so no one will have to experience what I went through.

TO: EVERYONE

FROM: HOWIE KAPLAN

RE: PEOPLE IN YOUR YARD

1. THE GAS MAN DOESN'T KNOCK. HE JUST LETS HIMSELF IN.
2. IF YOU LOOK OUT INTO THE YARD AND SEE HIM PLAYING WITH YOUR DOG AND, WONDERING WHO THIS WEIRDO IS, YOU GO OUT IN YOUR MIS-MATCHED PAJAMAS BECAUSE LAST NIGHT YOU DIDN'T SHAKE OFF ENOUGH AND HAD PEE DRIPPINGS ALL OVER YOUR PANTS…
3. ...HE WILL MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOU INSTEAD OF READING THE DAMN METER AND LEAVING.
4. APPARENTLY, THIS IS THE LAW.
5. ALSO, DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT PICKING UP YOUR DOG'S SHIT WHERE THE ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRL? WHO'S A PRETTY GIRL? WHOSE DIRTY SHITS CAME OUT OF A PRETTY GIRL?